the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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