Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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