She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
