the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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