Pappa wants mamma naked
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I wish there were birth control emojis
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
