i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize