also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
