1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It was like giving head to a cactus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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