i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
