mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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