I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
