So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
