At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
