All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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