Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
