I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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