Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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