Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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