i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
