my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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