if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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