We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize