She went from zero to smokin in five shots
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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