just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
