I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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