i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize