my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
