the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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