I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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