first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
