Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
