my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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