well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize