Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize