you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
