My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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