ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
