Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize