Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
