All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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