I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
