The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
