Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize