Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
