I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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