I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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