he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think i have two assholes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
