U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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