she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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