I'm gonna have a badass scar
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
