next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
