i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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