she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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