Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
