All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
