oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
