If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
