I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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