can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
