trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
