the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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